I Don't Like Your Tone
Hey there!
Actually, sorry—maybe the exclamation point was too much...
Hey there,
No, that still doesn’t capture my enthusiasm...
Howdy!
Okay, now we’ve gone too folksy.
Tone is tricky, isn’t it?
One of the hardest things to master in both blog writing and public speaking is tone.
Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of, “I don’t like your tone,” as a teenager.
That’s often our first lesson about tone: whatever we’re doing, it’s wrong.
Many of my public speaking clients wrestle with this. They say things like, “I feel like my personality doesn’t translate to Zoom,” or “I’m not sure if I’m striking the right tone in meetings.”
But I’ve found that 90% of the time, when I ask them to define what “the right tone” is, they can’t answer that question.
When it comes to tone, so many of us are trying to aim at a target we cannot see.
We believe there is such a thing as the right tone—but we haven’t yet put words to what that is.
And this is where things get messy...
I recently worked with a client—let’s call her Carol, a tough-as-nails CEO with a background as a litigator. She began working with me because she was suddenly being asked to speak on panels, podcasts, and in news interviews, and she felt stumped about how to navigate tone in those scenarios.
She was already a great public speaker, but she was feeling self-conscious about how her tone was being received in those contexts.
“I don’t know how to be bubbly,” she confided in me during that first session.
“Who told you that you need to be bubbly?” I asked.
“Well, everyone else on these panels is upbeat and smiley. They’re bubbly. And that’s just not me.”
This is a common mistake people make when navigating tone:
We assume that matching the tone of people around us = hitting the right tone.
But here’s the thing: audience members want different flavors when watching a panel discussion.
Think of a delicious meal—you want a balance of flavors. If everything else on your plate is sweet, you’re going to crave some salt or spice.
Carol kept finding herself on stages with bubbly panelists. She’s a seasoned litigator with a wicked sense of humor. Bubbly isn’t the flavor the audience needed from her.
She’d been shooting at the wrong target.
So I asked Carol, “What are the 3 personality qualities you’d like to have on display in these speaking engagements?”
These three words didn’t need to capture her entire personality—they just needed to give us a few tonal targets. After narrowing down a list of ten, she landed on: sharp, honest, and funny.
Then I asked, “Do those qualities feel important for a CEO?”
“Absolutely,” she said.
“Does bubbly?”
She thought about it. “No, not really. Not for me, at least.”
Exactly. So now, instead of worrying about getting her tone “right,” she focuses on bringing sharp, honest, and funny to each interview or panel discussion.
The only way to do tone wrong is if there’s a mismatch between what you want to communicate and what you’re actually communicating. Everything else? It’s just noise.
So, the next time you write a blog or stand up to speak, ask yourself: What three qualities do you want to convey? Let those guide your tone.
As for me, the three qualities I aim for in these blogs are: warm, playful, and curious.
What do you think? Did I hit the mark? 😉
Warmly,
Sara
Sara Glancy is an NYC-based actor and public speaking coach and the founder of Speak Masterfully, a service that helps professionals take the stage with less fear and more fun!
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